Mom & Me Journals Histories: 1999 - 2001

    MFS is being extraordinarily organizational. I'm still unable to think quickly; but I am thinking. Nothing has been said. I don't think she thinks there is anything to be said except that she has perceived that I need direct help in several different areas because it sounds as though I am "drowning" and knowledge of my situation should be disseminated so that stepping in, if necessary, will be relatively seamless. She also seems to understand that personal relief, which probably will involve nothing more than winter and/or spring jaunts to the Prescott house while someone tends to our mother in the Mesa house, should be mandatory. I am pleased about this.

    Re: your working vacation doing the files; that might be done by then. It just so happens that we are going to get started at that this week. However, I'd love to show you around. As far as a get away vacation is concerned, the week in late winter or early spring would be good. MFASRF wants to visit and I want to show him around unencumbered. If you want to go through the files together and relieve me in late winter or early spring (my date to be firmed up later but it will fit into your dates) that would be fine; but I'd rather save my time off for the friend visit. Did anyone hear me?
    Okay, on the bills. I need to decide which can be safely rerouted. Some can't. Also, this would mean very close coordination between you and me so that I always know what's in the checking account. This is going to pique your interest: Currently, because we write so many checks, I am managing Mom's checkbook the way she did except with a present mind. On any particular day I would be hard pressed to give you an exact amount but I know whether we have enough money to, for instance, pay bills on one particular day or the next. So, I need to set up a modifiable schedule of bills.

    Okay. So, because I want to crow and give you a further in depth idea of what "Mom's finances" consist. I finally talked to MA today regarding my decision to forego paying the Feds this third quarter income tax estimated payment. Remember that I told you I figured that MA, being the conservative accountant that he is, would say "no, penalties blah blah blah", and I would have to read his approval between the lines, which I was prepared to do. Well, I surprised him and he surprised me. This is, approximately, how the phone conversation went:

Me: MA, I want you to know that I'm not calling to ask you to make a decision. I already did. I'm calling to inform you of the decision and run my strategy by you for comments. [I outlined for him our situation with the margin, the insurances that are due, Mom's stock portfolio, our need for cash in the checking account, and our finances against the backdrop of 1999's tax return.]
MA: Well, I must tell you that there will be penalties if you're wrong but the penalties will be minor, no more than 1.5% per month from September to the end of the 4th quarter. However, you are right that the interest on the margin will more than cover that.
Me: I also took into consideration that September is always a bad month market wise and traditionally the market looks up in October. I don't think we'll have to pay those taxes. But if we have to pay anything it won'tbe much.
MA: I'm sure you're right. In fact, although as an accountant I would not advise my clients to forego an estimated tax payment, I must tell you that if I was in your situation I would do exactly what you are doing.
Me: Please stand for a moment of silence while the brass band plays the victory march and the red carpet is unfurled down the center aisle.

    So, I am finishing off this episode just to make sure you understand all the implications, my sweet. I will, of course, go over with everyone similar (or, maybe the same, since it is so damn good and shows me in such an attractive light) scenarios so that everyone understands that Mom's finances are such that always doing what the Feds say may not only be incorrect but bad business strategy, as well.

    I didn't scare you off with that last email of mine describing a "typical" financial transaction that, as it happens, involved not only her actual checking account and bills paid on a monthly, semi-annual and occasional basis, a quick appraisal of her portfolio, a quick appraisal of her income tax for 2000 and 1999 and a quick sizing up of MFA, MA and their comments, did I?
    Mesa went well. It was fucking hot. No more boxes of files, although there are a lot of boxes with old stuff in them in the shed. We've got enough space now that, with some cheap closet shelving and drawers, I think we can unpack at both places, maybe take down that godawful shed in the back or have it rebuilt or something. I don't know. I can't wait to see whether we have termites. Wrong time for all this stuff to be happening.
    Well, anyway, I got back about 1707; went directly to Kentucky Fried Chicken, then Baskin Robbins for a Chocolate Malted treat for Mom which turned out to be too strong but appreciated. It was good to get away and good to get back. Mom and the cats slept the whole day. I'm sure of it. Nothing has been disturbed. Mom had closed and locked all doors including screen doors and I had to lean on the buzzer and hope it awakened her. It did.

    What I did today is a good example of what goes on as far as Mom's "assets" are concerned so I'm going to compile it into an instructive review for you and anyone else who's interested:

    Mom's 3rd quarter estimated tax payment is coming up. She also needs to pay her semiannual supplemental medical insurance premium. Because we've been playing it so close to the bone this year, I need to take all this out on margin. This money is always taken out on margin because it's to her advantage. However, after checking with MFA about how low her margin was getting because of the stock market, MFA suggested that perhaps we didn't need to make the estimated tax payment.
    In fact, by law, this payment is voluntary. The only way you can get into trouble is if you skip a payment and come out too low when tax time comes up. So I discussed this with MFA and spent about an hour going over Mom's income taxes from last year with a fine tooth comb, reminding myself of what went on last year and the year before from the tax point of view. I finally decided, based on the difference between her tax exposure for 2000 and for 1999 and that there have been no sales (which increase capital gains exposure) and "everything has been losing money, and will continue to for at least another month" according to MFA, I am very safe in putting off this quarterly estimated tax payment dipping into the margin to cover her insurance. For the rest of the year nothing will be put on margin because sometime in October she will receive her yearly bonus from [her private holdings]. That means watching our pennies on Christmas, etc., but that's definitely doable. However, before doing this I am in the process of waiting for a call from MA to run this by him. Being typically conservative as most accountants are, he will immediately say no and caution me about penalties, etc. However, by reading his between-the-lines reaction to how I figured out that this is a low risk safe plan I will not only be able to determine whether this is a good idea (which I'm almost positive it is) but I will also be informing him of what we are planning on doing so none of this will be a surprise to him.
    I must tell you that this is the second time I have taken a calculated gamble based on reviewing Mom's portfolio with MFA on not paying what the government "estimated" we need to pay. The first time we came out on top. I expect to come out on top this time. Even with limited capital gains there is almost no chance that Mom's tax exposure will be as much as it was in 1999 and it certainly won't be what it was in 2000. Although it seems "safe" to pay the Feds because of their threats and their heavy-handedness, the risk is worse on the stock side right now because the market is still expected to slip before it gets better. One thing you don't want to do with stocks is increase risk when dividends are down.

    The reason I'm telling you this is that I want you and everyone else to be aware of exactly what is involved in "managing Mom's money". Although I am ambivalent about it, I do it fairly well, although I have slipped here and there. By putting off the insurance fight, for instance, I am allowing them to sit on money that we could have been using.
    I also need help in approaching MFA, reviewing her portfolio, etc., but whoever does this must be aware of at least the minimum of which I'm aware: Sales and maturity always spell higher taxes; sales in order to buy something else always mean higher taxes. The taxes come out of Mom's margin which, tax-wise, can be a benefit, but in very bad years becomes a stock liability.
    So, as I'm doing all this today I'm thinking maybe our goals need to be revised a bit. I do need help but much of the help I need is informed advisement (i.e., getting the house in Mesa in shape and reviewing her investment portfolio). I also need everyone to be informed. In this case, four heads are better than one. The bills, well, that can be sorted out. I also need some help on reviewing those bills, deciding where money can be saved or shaved.
    I definitely need help in the relief department. That would probably make one of the biggest differences (the other being in house maintenance management). I think the biggest differences will be made in relief for me and in everyone knowing about and contributing ideas to her financial profile. It would also help a great deal if I had realistic shoulders to cry on and people who were willing to, for instance, make business-nature decisions that I can carry out when I am feeling quesy and totally unsure of myself.
    It's not going to be easy to decide exactly what, when, where and how; especially since, as I am reminding you, my analysis of Mom's various financial situations are sometimes so on target it's scary. So, this is going to have to be a concerted effort and when I need on site help, I need it.
    My main problem this year which has adversely affected everything else is that I am, emotionally, at the end of my rope. Some of this is due to living with someone who is completely unsympathetic, unresponsive and deep into her journey through old-old age. Some of this is due to my own emotional problems with business. Some of both of these 'exposures', however, is feeling as though I am completely alone in this, thus feeling as though I have no resources to count on with any assurance but that when it's all over I'll be held completely and exclusively accountable for any mistakes. I need attitudes to change, I think, most of all. I expect to handle the bulk of Mom's affairs and the bulk of Mom (pun intended). I expect to, for instance, as I just did, spend 25 minutes convincing Mom to bathe then forcing her to bathe and living with the personal recrimination that for three days in a row I have been unable to convince her to bathe. I expect to live with the stress of trying to get her to just go to Costco and Home Depot (we need a new fan) today: First having her say yes, then having her say no, and now, not I'm not sure but figuring unless I physically put in her the car she'll probably spend the day in bed, again. I expect to have to be confronted, everyday, with her asking "Why?" she has to bathe, "Why?" it's good for her to get out (her doctors, unfortunately, because she is doing so well, healthwise, are no help in this regard) and having her doubt every word I say. I need these emotional burdens to at least be understood and maybe even commented on with suggestions. This is going to be hard. Just try getting Mom to consider senior citizen day care, for instance. I need suggestions that are based on current knowledge of her, not unconsidered "from the literature" suggestions. Everyone except MCS now has first hand knowledge of the fact that even family visitors, who delight Mom, can't keep her out of bed. Everyone also knows that this is not yet endangering her health and longevity. Everyone now needs to know that living with someone like this sometimes drives me, literally, crazy, and I feel desperate and unable to negotiate what seem to be the simplest and most objective of life's tasks.
    MFS, I know that my rambling vs. your clear sighted problem solving may seem ridiculous and beside the point. Is is, in fact, because you have taken the initiative to approach this from a clear-headed point of view that I feel as though there is now some hope. As well, it is my emotional stake in this that makes me realize that it isn't just "business" that everyone needs to be aware of and help with. It is the emotional aspect, too. That needs to be clearly understood by everyone. No more, "Well, it's obvious you need to be relieved but I don't know how we're going to do that." Do you know what my guilt ridden response to that was? "Well, MPS, don't worry about it. Look at all you guys have to deal with. That's just the way it is. I consider this my contribution to the family....blah, blah, blah...." You know what? I have to stop saying, and believing stuff like this. I have to have the emotional support to do this. It's weird, taking care of Mom. The weirdness is too much for one person to handle. It's time that it be passed around. Thank you for agreeing with me on this, MFS. We're getting somewhere. I can feel it.

    I think I may be going down to Mesa on Wednesday. I want to see if there are any more boxes of files down there in the shed and if there is anything else of importance. I'm thinking I'll also stop by and see some friends of mine in Chandler who have a live-in elderly dad who had a heart attack not too long ago. I'm going to ask Mom if she wants to go but I'm sure she won't. I don't worry too much about leaving her alone during the day yet because, oddly, she seems to appreciate time away from me as much as I appreciate time away from her right now. Nights, though, I don't like to leave her alone. There is something about being alone at night that mildly freaks her out. I'll probably be gone the bulk of the day. From previous recent experience I know that when I'm gone during the day she actually stays up more. Weird, isn't it!

    First of all, I should tell you that I just passed up the perfect opportunity to approach MCS about our plan to gather the family on behalf of Mom. She called (apparently Mom had left a message yesterday when they were out) and although we talked a lot, and I did find the courage to say (in a humorous way) that I am overwhelmed (I used that word), I don't know, otherwise my courage failed me. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to be able to come forward and do this. MCS talked about how well her household was running with two families and such. At one point when I talked about Mom's stocks and how I am completely beside myself handling them she admitted that, she, too, "didn't know anything about stocks". She seemed ready to hear amusing anecdotes about Mom, so that's what I fed her.
    Anyway, on to other things. I'm going to answer your points specifically; they are all important and well thought out.

1. I agree that Mom's stocks are not so sacred that they can't be sold, if necessary. I'm not exactly sure what assets should be liquidated first or, you know, how this should be decided. That's something I need to talk to MFA about. Those not publicly traded, maybe. I'm reluctant to touch the stocks under MFA's control because those are the ones being affected by the market and they are also the ones upon which Mom's margin is based. I'm going to have to talk to MFA about this and see what he thinks. MCS is not the one to ask about stocks. Maybe her husband. Even if he doesn't know that much, he might be interested in learning, and, certainly, I have no qualms about him dealing with MFA. Since Mom lost the ability to manage her portfolio, although I doubt MFA has consciously taken advantage of the situation, he also hasn't been bombarded with questions and asked about alternative management proposals.
2. As far as having someone check out the homes, the first one who should do this is MCS's husband. He has not only done much remodeling on his own, he also has hired legions of remodelers and contractors. I know he's very occasionally been "taken" but that happens to the best of us. I still would like him look over the house situation before anyone else does. He is uniquely qualified for this. He might even have some good ideas about whether it would be worth it for Mom to keep either house and which one.
3. I am seriously considering getting rid of that house down in Mesa. The only problem is, I like her doctors. I'd like to explore the possibility of keeping it and keeping it completely closed up unless we need to be down there for doctor visits, hospitalization, etc. Plus, I know how much Mom likes it down there in the winter. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about this. A lot of this will depend on restructuring her portfolio so that the upkeep and bills of two houses can be handled seamlessly. I hope this is a possibility.
4. I agree that Mom's money shouldn't be spent frivolously. I think that's going to be an easy guideline to meet. I certainly am not in the habit of doing that, neither is Mom. I don't think anyone else will be, either. This is why four heads are going to be much better than one. I worry about getting taken to the cleaners by contractors, lawyers, etc., and not realizing it until after the fact. My main worry is that I know Mom's portfolio needs to be restructured before the bulk of this stuff takes place. MFA needs to be in on all of that.

    MFS, I cannot shake the feeling that I'm being a fucking big baby about this and if I "knuckled down and applied myself" I could handle everything. I mean, I look at everyone else's lives and I think, Jesus, Gail, what the hell is your problem?
    Anyway, we're just at the beginning, here. You're doing a much better job of looking at these things objectively than I am. Thank you for that. I think I am, slowly, beginning to regain a little bit of my sanity about this. I mean, just what the fuck HAVE I been doing here, anyway?

    First of all, let me embarrass you by telling you how much talking to you meant to me, today. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Before we talked I really didn't see any way out. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being, hmmm, let's see, for being, how about...you!
    I know that MPS's and MCS's families are going to be a bit surprised so I agree that it is important to have a list. This, below, is just a beginning. The truth is, I'm a little muddle headed, right now. I'm still sort of reeling in the emotional bath I took on the phone with you this afternoon. But thought is nothing without action (actually, I don't believe this all the time but it sounds good and it certainly applies in this instance).
    Immediately, of course, I need everyone to know exactly what I'm dealing with, here. I need everyone to understand in their bones and agree that allowing Mom to remain in her own home with a family member as long as possible is very important and is probably what is keeping her alive, even if quite a bit of that life is spent in Dream Land. So what I need to do is compose a part of the "advance directive" prior to the tele-conference to get this across. I know everyone gives lip service to this but I don't think anyone has given it much thought. In order for me to do a good job I need to know that everyone understands why they agree (or disagree) that I am at the right place at the right time.
    Second, I need everyone to know how difficult it is for me to call on them for help and that they need to be checking on us, too. I mean really checking on me, not just calling to say "Hello" and get a Christmas newsletter version of what's going on. I need everyone to realize that when they don't hear from me for awhile it might be a good idea to find out why.
    Third, it's important that everyone know that I am already under water. This isn't a case of "when Gail loses control", this is a case of "Gail has lost control".
    Right off the bat I can absolutely see that some of Mom's business needs to be delegated such as:

1. Working with MFA to keep track of Mom's stocks and making sure that what is being done is in her best interests. We're living on that money now, along with her pension. Someone needs to keep on top of that.
2. When extraordinary circumstances come up as far as her taxes are concerned someone needs to be available to work with MA. Someone who isn't resistant to understanding her tax profile needs to keep themselves up-to-date with that.
3. I need to work with someone in the family to get her files in order, see what she has, see what needs to be kept and what needs to be thrown away. Actually, I know that there are lots of things regarding her stocks that absolutely cannot ever be thrown away. I found that out this year when I had to retrieve a cancelled check from 1968. So all the cancelled checks she's kept for all these years need to be gone through and a system needs to be set up to deal with all this stuff. It is probably best that this stuff be kept in one of her residences. I think it is also important that I not be the only one aware of this stuff.
4. Although this needs to be communicated in a much more diplomatic way than I am about to communicate it, family members are going to have to grit their teeth, face down their fears and their demons and keep in physical touch despite her smoking. I can sympathize with everyone's personal health and aesthetic reasons and I'm not exactly sure how to address this so no one is hurt by her smoking. I want to see this happen because if the family can't get over this I get left by the wayside and start slipping and, for that matter, so does Mom. I know that it would be so easy to just say, "Hey, get a nurse to take care of her if you need some time off, Gail." But, you know what, the truth is, unless she needs medical care, that option is unacceptable to her, to me, and it should be to the rest of the family. When I need time off I'm sure what I'd do is just get away for a couple of days in the winter in Prescott. I'm sure it won't happen often. There may be a time when Mom will need a babysitter of sorts when I go out to the store or run errands. That is something that can probably be taken care of with outside help. But I won't leave Mom for any length of time with a stranger. That should be unacceptable with everyone else, too.
5. I think, as time goes on, the bill paying can pretty much stay here. However, there are some bills I may need to redirect to you for awhile until Mom stops insisting on "seeing the bills" and "seeing the mail".
6. I think I can handle getting her to a lawyer and updating her trust. I'll need someone else in the family to be very aware of the results and review it once every year or so just to make sure nothing is slipping through the cracks. That will mean, of course, checking with MFA and with me to see what's been purchased that might need to go in the trust, what's been sold, whether everything is still up to date, etc.
7. Everyone needs to be aware of her financial situation, in detail. It's not that great right now because of stocks, which is not unusual. But the idea that she's a millionaire and can buy anything she wants anytime and that we can throw money at problems has to be demolished as well. We're tightening our belts just like everyone else. In fact, we're breathing pretty shallow. Somehow the impression exists that I am living in the lap of luxury here because Mom "doesn't have to worry". Well, that's not true. It has never been true. I had to learn this when I first came to live with her. I know it now. Everyone else needs to know this.
8. There needs to be an agreement that when something comes up like, for instance, this insurance debacle thing, and I need help, that means I need direct help, now.
9. I do occasionally need to be relieved. Not much, but just enough to catch my breath. I think, as well, it is important for everyone to understand exactly what it's like to lose oneself in someone who is losing herself (and control of her bladder). Spending a few days taking care of Mom a year is an excellent way for everyone to get an idea of what that's like.
10. The houses both need to be gone through and checked out really well for repairs and this has to be continued on a regular basis first by someone in the family who is knowlegeable about these things, not first by a contractor. Once repairs are decided on and a clear idea of what, each year, is available to be spent on repairs and which are best to be taken care of at what time, I need someone to stand by me as I start interviewing contractors and determining who's the best to hire, until I get the hang of it, or, maybe, each time hiring a contractor is necessary.
11. In fact, when any type of major financial thing comes up (like, for instance, the one that is up, now, but will not be able to be taken care of for awhile because of the stock situation: consolidating two cars into one) I need help on it.
12. Probably most important of all, MFS, you can't take on stuff all by yourself. You need to be one of three. That's very important. My feeling is that the most valuable thing to come out of this conferencing will be for people to realize that this isn't a news conference about how Mom and Gail are doing, nor is it a critique on how Gail is failing and what Gail needs to do in order to remedy the situation, but the beginning of a concerted, four way effort to see to it that Mom's life stays on track.

    The more I think about the possibility of being able to rely on a few other people to make sure her business is going okay, the better I feel and the more I feel I am willing to tackle. But, you know, I can't be left alone with all this stuff for too much longer without completely losing my mind. It's one thing to be a comfortable companion to someone who is taking their final journey. I seem to be peculiarly suited to that. It's quite another to, as well, handle the complexities of that person's business. I am not peculiarly suited to that. We have lots of people in this family with a variety of talents. There is also no one in this family who does not have some empathy for the situation and for realizing that, while it may seem convenient to have Mom handled by "hire outs" when I need to get away or when her business overwhelms me, considering the resources in our family it is not only unnecessary, it would be a travesty for this to happen. I can't see that any of this won't enrich everyone's lives, as well as Mom's.
    So, MFS, I know this is just the beginning. I know there are many more things than I can think of right now that belong on the list. Feel free to add, subtract, whatever. We should be able to start setting up our first tele-conference within a month or so; maybe get out an advance directive within a couple of weeks.
    Damn, I feel better. I am very lucky, MFS, that you and I are sisters.