Tuesday, August 28, 2001
Just An Example - To MFS
What I did today is a good example of what goes on as far as Mom's "assets" are concerned so I'm going to compile it into an instructive review for you and anyone else who's interested:
I also need help in approaching MFA, reviewing her portfolio, etc., but whoever does this must be aware of at least the minimum of which I'm aware: Sales and maturity always spell higher taxes; sales in order to buy something else always mean higher taxes. The taxes come out of Mom's margin which, tax-wise, can be a benefit, but in very bad years becomes a stock liability.
So, as I'm doing all this today I'm thinking maybe our goals need to be revised a bit. I do need help but much of the help I need is informed advisement (i.e., getting the house in Mesa in shape and reviewing her investment portfolio). I also need everyone to be informed. In this case, four heads are better than one. The bills, well, that can be sorted out. I also need some help on reviewing those bills, deciding where money can be saved or shaved.
I definitely need help in the relief department. That would probably make one of the biggest differences (the other being in house maintenance management). I think the biggest differences will be made in relief for me and in everyone knowing about and contributing ideas to her financial profile. It would also help a great deal if I had realistic shoulders to cry on and people who were willing to, for instance, make business-nature decisions that I can carry out when I am feeling quesy and totally unsure of myself.
It's not going to be easy to decide exactly what, when, where and how; especially since, as I am reminding you, my analysis of Mom's various financial situations are sometimes so on target it's scary. So, this is going to have to be a concerted effort and when I need on site help, I need it.
My main problem this year which has adversely affected everything else is that I am, emotionally, at the end of my rope. Some of this is due to living with someone who is completely unsympathetic, unresponsive and deep into her journey through old-old age. Some of this is due to my own emotional problems with business. Some of both of these 'exposures', however, is feeling as though I am completely alone in this, thus feeling as though I have no resources to count on with any assurance but that when it's all over I'll be held completely and exclusively accountable for any mistakes. I need attitudes to change, I think, most of all. I expect to handle the bulk of Mom's affairs and the bulk of Mom (pun intended). I expect to, for instance, as I just did, spend 25 minutes convincing Mom to bathe then forcing her to bathe and living with the personal recrimination that for three days in a row I have been unable to convince her to bathe. I expect to live with the stress of trying to get her to just go to Costco and Home Depot (we need a new fan) today: First having her say yes, then having her say no, and now, not I'm not sure but figuring unless I physically put in her the car she'll probably spend the day in bed, again. I expect to have to be confronted, everyday, with her asking "Why?" she has to bathe, "Why?" it's good for her to get out (her doctors, unfortunately, because she is doing so well, healthwise, are no help in this regard) and having her doubt every word I say. I need these emotional burdens to at least be understood and maybe even commented on with suggestions. This is going to be hard. Just try getting Mom to consider senior citizen day care, for instance. I need suggestions that are based on current knowledge of her, not unconsidered "from the literature" suggestions. Everyone except MCS now has first hand knowledge of the fact that even family visitors, who delight Mom, can't keep her out of bed. Everyone also knows that this is not yet endangering her health and longevity. Everyone now needs to know that living with someone like this sometimes drives me, literally, crazy, and I feel desperate and unable to negotiate what seem to be the simplest and most objective of life's tasks.
MFS, I know that my rambling vs. your clear sighted problem solving may seem ridiculous and beside the point. Is is, in fact, because you have taken the initiative to approach this from a clear-headed point of view that I feel as though there is now some hope. As well, it is my emotional stake in this that makes me realize that it isn't just "business" that everyone needs to be aware of and help with. It is the emotional aspect, too. That needs to be clearly understood by everyone. No more, "Well, it's obvious you need to be relieved but I don't know how we're going to do that." Do you know what my guilt ridden response to that was? "Well, MPS, don't worry about it. Look at all you guys have to deal with. That's just the way it is. I consider this my contribution to the family....blah, blah, blah...." You know what? I have to stop saying, and believing stuff like this. I have to have the emotional support to do this. It's weird, taking care of Mom. The weirdness is too much for one person to handle. It's time that it be passed around. Thank you for agreeing with me on this, MFS. We're getting somewhere. I can feel it.
Mom's 3rd quarter estimated tax payment is coming up. She also needs to pay her semiannual supplemental medical insurance premium. Because we've been playing it so close to the bone this year, I need to take all this out on margin. This money is always taken out on margin because it's to her advantage. However, after checking with MFA about how low her margin was getting because of the stock market, MFA suggested that perhaps we didn't need to make the estimated tax payment.The reason I'm telling you this is that I want you and everyone else to be aware of exactly what is involved in "managing Mom's money". Although I am ambivalent about it, I do it fairly well, although I have slipped here and there. By putting off the insurance fight, for instance, I am allowing them to sit on money that we could have been using.
In fact, by law, this payment is voluntary. The only way you can get into trouble is if you skip a payment and come out too low when tax time comes up. So I discussed this with MFA and spent about an hour going over Mom's income taxes from last year with a fine tooth comb, reminding myself of what went on last year and the year before from the tax point of view. I finally decided, based on the difference between her tax exposure for 2000 and for 1999 and that there have been no sales (which increase capital gains exposure) and "everything has been losing money, and will continue to for at least another month" according to MFA, I am very safe in putting off this quarterly estimated tax payment dipping into the margin to cover her insurance. For the rest of the year nothing will be put on margin because sometime in October she will receive her yearly bonus from [her private holdings]. That means watching our pennies on Christmas, etc., but that's definitely doable. However, before doing this I am in the process of waiting for a call from MA to run this by him. Being typically conservative as most accountants are, he will immediately say no and caution me about penalties, etc. However, by reading his between-the-lines reaction to how I figured out that this is a low risk safe plan I will not only be able to determine whether this is a good idea (which I'm almost positive it is) but I will also be informing him of what we are planning on doing so none of this will be a surprise to him.
I must tell you that this is the second time I have taken a calculated gamble based on reviewing Mom's portfolio with MFA on not paying what the government "estimated" we need to pay. The first time we came out on top. I expect to come out on top this time. Even with limited capital gains there is almost no chance that Mom's tax exposure will be as much as it was in 1999 and it certainly won't be what it was in 2000. Although it seems "safe" to pay the Feds because of their threats and their heavy-handedness, the risk is worse on the stock side right now because the market is still expected to slip before it gets better. One thing you don't want to do with stocks is increase risk when dividends are down.
I also need help in approaching MFA, reviewing her portfolio, etc., but whoever does this must be aware of at least the minimum of which I'm aware: Sales and maturity always spell higher taxes; sales in order to buy something else always mean higher taxes. The taxes come out of Mom's margin which, tax-wise, can be a benefit, but in very bad years becomes a stock liability.
So, as I'm doing all this today I'm thinking maybe our goals need to be revised a bit. I do need help but much of the help I need is informed advisement (i.e., getting the house in Mesa in shape and reviewing her investment portfolio). I also need everyone to be informed. In this case, four heads are better than one. The bills, well, that can be sorted out. I also need some help on reviewing those bills, deciding where money can be saved or shaved.
I definitely need help in the relief department. That would probably make one of the biggest differences (the other being in house maintenance management). I think the biggest differences will be made in relief for me and in everyone knowing about and contributing ideas to her financial profile. It would also help a great deal if I had realistic shoulders to cry on and people who were willing to, for instance, make business-nature decisions that I can carry out when I am feeling quesy and totally unsure of myself.
It's not going to be easy to decide exactly what, when, where and how; especially since, as I am reminding you, my analysis of Mom's various financial situations are sometimes so on target it's scary. So, this is going to have to be a concerted effort and when I need on site help, I need it.
My main problem this year which has adversely affected everything else is that I am, emotionally, at the end of my rope. Some of this is due to living with someone who is completely unsympathetic, unresponsive and deep into her journey through old-old age. Some of this is due to my own emotional problems with business. Some of both of these 'exposures', however, is feeling as though I am completely alone in this, thus feeling as though I have no resources to count on with any assurance but that when it's all over I'll be held completely and exclusively accountable for any mistakes. I need attitudes to change, I think, most of all. I expect to handle the bulk of Mom's affairs and the bulk of Mom (pun intended). I expect to, for instance, as I just did, spend 25 minutes convincing Mom to bathe then forcing her to bathe and living with the personal recrimination that for three days in a row I have been unable to convince her to bathe. I expect to live with the stress of trying to get her to just go to Costco and Home Depot (we need a new fan) today: First having her say yes, then having her say no, and now, not I'm not sure but figuring unless I physically put in her the car she'll probably spend the day in bed, again. I expect to have to be confronted, everyday, with her asking "Why?" she has to bathe, "Why?" it's good for her to get out (her doctors, unfortunately, because she is doing so well, healthwise, are no help in this regard) and having her doubt every word I say. I need these emotional burdens to at least be understood and maybe even commented on with suggestions. This is going to be hard. Just try getting Mom to consider senior citizen day care, for instance. I need suggestions that are based on current knowledge of her, not unconsidered "from the literature" suggestions. Everyone except MCS now has first hand knowledge of the fact that even family visitors, who delight Mom, can't keep her out of bed. Everyone also knows that this is not yet endangering her health and longevity. Everyone now needs to know that living with someone like this sometimes drives me, literally, crazy, and I feel desperate and unable to negotiate what seem to be the simplest and most objective of life's tasks.
MFS, I know that my rambling vs. your clear sighted problem solving may seem ridiculous and beside the point. Is is, in fact, because you have taken the initiative to approach this from a clear-headed point of view that I feel as though there is now some hope. As well, it is my emotional stake in this that makes me realize that it isn't just "business" that everyone needs to be aware of and help with. It is the emotional aspect, too. That needs to be clearly understood by everyone. No more, "Well, it's obvious you need to be relieved but I don't know how we're going to do that." Do you know what my guilt ridden response to that was? "Well, MPS, don't worry about it. Look at all you guys have to deal with. That's just the way it is. I consider this my contribution to the family....blah, blah, blah...." You know what? I have to stop saying, and believing stuff like this. I have to have the emotional support to do this. It's weird, taking care of Mom. The weirdness is too much for one person to handle. It's time that it be passed around. Thank you for agreeing with me on this, MFS. We're getting somewhere. I can feel it.
