Mom & Me Journals Histories: 1999 - 2001

    Even though I know this isn't going to happen for some time, this paragraph is about the reality of when we will be able to be together. For me it would not be until this summer, at the earliest. Because I am so involved in my mother's life as she ages and needs me to "be" her life, as well as be with her more and more, over the last year I have changed my way of visiting with people I know. When I have no one to adequately, lovingly "cover" my mother I do not visit with people nor do I have them visit me if they do not have a relationship with my mother. This is because when I leave her alone a not insignificant part of me remains with her. Even going to pick up a car at the shop, going to the store, etc., she is on my mind, she is in my conversation, I wonder all kinds of details about her: Is she awake, is she taking another nap, is she getting confused about something, thus not doing something she needs to do because I'm not there to read her confusion and offer her my clarity...these are only three of a million item check-list/wonder-list, that my mind constantly considers at this stage of my caretaking of my mother. From an experience a little over a year ago I learned the hard way that it is impossible for me to entertain an out-of-town visitor specific to me and to free myself from my mother for that time so I can really be with my visitors. Because of my sisters' lives with their husbands and children I do not have the possibility of relief for myself until sometime this summer.