Saturday, May 26, 2001
Visit Vexation - To LTF
MCS called this afternoon to cancel her trip. My understanding is that canceling plane reservations this late usually means forfeiting the fare. I guess cash occasionally bows to other "c" words, like cancer.
When MFS was here she and MPS and Mom and I called MCS to say hello and check on her plans. MFS mentioned to me that even though this house in Prescott isn't nearly as inundated with cigarette smoke as the one in Mesa and is open she can still smell it in everything. So can I. MFS said she wanted to mention that to MCS and I told her to go ahead. She should know how this home affects someone who is used to living in a non-smoking home.
And, you know, I, too, tried to make sure MCS was aware of this before she had made up her mind to visit. I suspect that MCS is wondering if she will ever "be able" to visit her mother again or if she will want to. I know Mom would love to see MCS again and I don't think that'll happen if it depends on us visiting MCS. I think Mom is pretty much beyond long distance travel.
It's very weird, living with someone for whom a habit that was considered benign, at least society thought it was benign at the time she took it up, is now considered just a bit less terrible than Armageddon. There's little chance that she'll quit or even agree that it's a dangerous habit. It's especially weird for me trying to negotiate her habits (her eating habits are constantly under scrutiny by her other daughters, as well; when they visit we always end up with a kitchen full of food, half of which I throw out because I'm the only one who eats it and the rest spoils) with those of her other daughters and feeling as though, when my mother gets together with her other daughters, there is a screen hanging between them and her; a screen erected by my sisters in order to protect themselves from her life. MCS has expressed concern that my life with our mother may be unhealthy for me and wondered if I worried about this. No. I don't. I'm not concerned about whether taking care of my mother for the rest of her life is somehow endangering my life. As I see it, there's from which nothing I need to protect myself.
I hope, now, that my mother lives long enough so that MCS feels comfortable visiting with her before either of them dies.
Time for a last house check before Mom's cousin arrives. My mother's been trying to get me to "try out" the hot chocolate recipe before her cousin gets here, just in case it "needs work". I'm not buying that tonight. She's in a good mood. I think this visit with her cousin will alleviate the disappointment she feels over MCS's decision to "wait until sometime later". In fact, if the two visits had been allowed to happen there's some question in my mind which of the two my mother would have appreciated more. It seems, as she gets older, it's not her children she misses, it's her peers. More about that, later.
When MFS was here she and MPS and Mom and I called MCS to say hello and check on her plans. MFS mentioned to me that even though this house in Prescott isn't nearly as inundated with cigarette smoke as the one in Mesa and is open she can still smell it in everything. So can I. MFS said she wanted to mention that to MCS and I told her to go ahead. She should know how this home affects someone who is used to living in a non-smoking home.
And, you know, I, too, tried to make sure MCS was aware of this before she had made up her mind to visit. I suspect that MCS is wondering if she will ever "be able" to visit her mother again or if she will want to. I know Mom would love to see MCS again and I don't think that'll happen if it depends on us visiting MCS. I think Mom is pretty much beyond long distance travel.
It's very weird, living with someone for whom a habit that was considered benign, at least society thought it was benign at the time she took it up, is now considered just a bit less terrible than Armageddon. There's little chance that she'll quit or even agree that it's a dangerous habit. It's especially weird for me trying to negotiate her habits (her eating habits are constantly under scrutiny by her other daughters, as well; when they visit we always end up with a kitchen full of food, half of which I throw out because I'm the only one who eats it and the rest spoils) with those of her other daughters and feeling as though, when my mother gets together with her other daughters, there is a screen hanging between them and her; a screen erected by my sisters in order to protect themselves from her life. MCS has expressed concern that my life with our mother may be unhealthy for me and wondered if I worried about this. No. I don't. I'm not concerned about whether taking care of my mother for the rest of her life is somehow endangering my life. As I see it, there's from which nothing I need to protect myself.
I hope, now, that my mother lives long enough so that MCS feels comfortable visiting with her before either of them dies.
Time for a last house check before Mom's cousin arrives. My mother's been trying to get me to "try out" the hot chocolate recipe before her cousin gets here, just in case it "needs work". I'm not buying that tonight. She's in a good mood. I think this visit with her cousin will alleviate the disappointment she feels over MCS's decision to "wait until sometime later". In fact, if the two visits had been allowed to happen there's some question in my mind which of the two my mother would have appreciated more. It seems, as she gets older, it's not her children she misses, it's her peers. More about that, later.
Wednesday, May 23, 2001
"You know, I miss you around here" - To MFS
So you have to come back!
My mother's disposition... - to LTF
...throughout The Visit: decidedly horizontal. LTF, she slept away a good two thirds of an extremely active double visit. Most of the time she slept on the futon couch in the living room as activity swirled around her. Nothing bothered her. She ate and drank an adequate amount and her blood sugar remained steady, but she slept more than I've seen her sleep in a long time. While it is true that it takes her a good couple of weeks to acclimate to the elevation while it takes me one morning walk, it seemed to me that her sleeping was excessive, although there was also something beatific about her sleeping amidst the vital family for whose existence she is responsible.
At first I was embarrassed. Everyone else, though, seems to take her sleeping much more easily than I do. I ran that thought I had when I was e-ing you, a while back, by MFS and MPS: That not being successful at getting her up might be elder abuse. At the same time I expressed the opposing thought that as long as her will is independent and she has a sense of herself she should be allowed under mild duress (sometimes I am able to convince her to stay up and do something rather than take another nap) to do what she wants as long as she does not appear to be in immediate danger; danger, of course, being of shady definition. Added to that, I admitted that I sometimes feel guiltily responsible for her prolonged sleep cycles (they aren't constant but seem to be constantly progressive) because the time alone it allows me to write, read, edit, think, garden, rearrange, quite suits my character. Thus, I may not notice if such a behavior was damaging to her. Both MPS and MFS were unconcerned that I might be doing her harm. MFS was very clear, citing me exhibiting both strategies (letting her sleep and harassing her into awareness and activity), that in her opinion the harassment was the elder abuse at this stage of the game.
Both of them, much more social than I, expressed concern that I was too "isolated" but did not flinch, in fact understood without explanation, when I laughed and reminded them that isolation is not a problem for me, it is a gift. I wondered aloud if either of them thought my "gift" might not be so to our mother. Neither of them is concerned about that either. They both thought the overall impression of the weekend/week (Mom sleeping in and through the middle of everything, usually fully clothed after having been coaxed through a bath, being jostled awake occasionally, checking to notice at what point she'd merged into the activity, approving, commenting, then returning "offline") was perfectly natural, appropriate and reassuring.
When we returned home from the airport yesterday morning Mom asked me when I would "be going back". I assumed she meant Seattle. I told her I wouldn't. "Good," she said. "You can stay with me."
At first I was embarrassed. Everyone else, though, seems to take her sleeping much more easily than I do. I ran that thought I had when I was e-ing you, a while back, by MFS and MPS: That not being successful at getting her up might be elder abuse. At the same time I expressed the opposing thought that as long as her will is independent and she has a sense of herself she should be allowed under mild duress (sometimes I am able to convince her to stay up and do something rather than take another nap) to do what she wants as long as she does not appear to be in immediate danger; danger, of course, being of shady definition. Added to that, I admitted that I sometimes feel guiltily responsible for her prolonged sleep cycles (they aren't constant but seem to be constantly progressive) because the time alone it allows me to write, read, edit, think, garden, rearrange, quite suits my character. Thus, I may not notice if such a behavior was damaging to her. Both MPS and MFS were unconcerned that I might be doing her harm. MFS was very clear, citing me exhibiting both strategies (letting her sleep and harassing her into awareness and activity), that in her opinion the harassment was the elder abuse at this stage of the game.
Both of them, much more social than I, expressed concern that I was too "isolated" but did not flinch, in fact understood without explanation, when I laughed and reminded them that isolation is not a problem for me, it is a gift. I wondered aloud if either of them thought my "gift" might not be so to our mother. Neither of them is concerned about that either. They both thought the overall impression of the weekend/week (Mom sleeping in and through the middle of everything, usually fully clothed after having been coaxed through a bath, being jostled awake occasionally, checking to notice at what point she'd merged into the activity, approving, commenting, then returning "offline") was perfectly natural, appropriate and reassuring.
When we returned home from the airport yesterday morning Mom asked me when I would "be going back". I assumed she meant Seattle. I told her I wouldn't. "Good," she said. "You can stay with me."
When They Go - To MFS
Are you back in Jax yet?!?
I mean mentally, of course.
The Big Girl looked for you yesterday. When I told her you had gone back home she said, "But, I was just beginning to like her! I decided I wanted to play with her! How could she leave after I was beginning to think that she should stay?!?"
I told her I'd run that question by you.
Mom says the house is too empty without you. She's right. It is. While I slept all afternoon (I went back to bed after you called) Mom stayed up. She never fails to amaze me. I'm going to give her a day of rest today then get her out walking at the square tomorrow. On the weekend we'll go back down and close up the house. Neither of us has the energy to do what needs to be done in the heat in Mesa, which is just as well. It's going to be hovering around 110ยก down there, today. See what happens when you leave? Everything goes to hell!
I mean mentally, of course.
The Big Girl looked for you yesterday. When I told her you had gone back home she said, "But, I was just beginning to like her! I decided I wanted to play with her! How could she leave after I was beginning to think that she should stay?!?"
I told her I'd run that question by you.
Mom says the house is too empty without you. She's right. It is. While I slept all afternoon (I went back to bed after you called) Mom stayed up. She never fails to amaze me. I'm going to give her a day of rest today then get her out walking at the square tomorrow. On the weekend we'll go back down and close up the house. Neither of us has the energy to do what needs to be done in the heat in Mesa, which is just as well. It's going to be hovering around 110ยก down there, today. See what happens when you leave? Everything goes to hell!
