Friday, June 29, 2001
Nobody Likes to Be Ordered Around - To LTF
I am spending most of today steering my mother in the direction of her appointments and lunch "out". So, it was with great relief that I received your e saying that you feel I am doing more good than harm. Thank you for saying this. I can remember what it was like to feel this way about my time with her. I can even remember what it felt like to write you about her from that attitude. So maybe this assurance is not so far away that I can't recover it. MPS, quite to my surprise, also called to confirm this for me last night. I guess she had talked to MCF who told her that she thought I was "finally going crazy" (as though bets are being taken on how long I can stay sane in this environment). There is still something I'm wrestling with in regards to this issue, otherwise, of course, I'd believe as you and MPS do.
As I know I've mentioned to you, my mother does the same thing your father does: Refuses my good advice on diet and then, later, when it's not my advice, follows it. However, as she is forgetting to eat (which reminds me of something that occurred to me, earlier this morning, specifically when I was fixing her breakfast and thinking about my mother and food, I'll cover it at the *'d Place) she pretty much eats whatever is handy when she is reminded. She is refusing fewer varieties of food lately, although she gets sick of anything with tomatoes in any condition very quickly. I made a great little vegetable rice dish the other night out of which she meticulously picked the vegetables. Then she smothered what was left with ketchup (ketchup, I guess, isn't tomatoes to her).
*'d Place: I was thinking about how the hunger pangs of starvation in vital people are very distinct, overwhelming, and extremely painful. People, when vital, do not easily die of starvation. However, apparently when a body becomes very old, it changes its reaction to starvation. My mother could probably survive without being malnourished on her supplements alone. But it seems to me that I recall reading about starvation in Final Exit and, although I remember nothing specific, I do remember getting the surprising impression that starvation, when one's body is on it's way out, is not rigorous and is usually also combined voluntarily in its final stages with dehydration from the refusal to take liquids. Not being interested in eating anymore maybe goes hand in hand with one's body not really being interested in getting up again.
As I know I've mentioned to you, my mother does the same thing your father does: Refuses my good advice on diet and then, later, when it's not my advice, follows it. However, as she is forgetting to eat (which reminds me of something that occurred to me, earlier this morning, specifically when I was fixing her breakfast and thinking about my mother and food, I'll cover it at the *'d Place) she pretty much eats whatever is handy when she is reminded. She is refusing fewer varieties of food lately, although she gets sick of anything with tomatoes in any condition very quickly. I made a great little vegetable rice dish the other night out of which she meticulously picked the vegetables. Then she smothered what was left with ketchup (ketchup, I guess, isn't tomatoes to her).
*'d Place: I was thinking about how the hunger pangs of starvation in vital people are very distinct, overwhelming, and extremely painful. People, when vital, do not easily die of starvation. However, apparently when a body becomes very old, it changes its reaction to starvation. My mother could probably survive without being malnourished on her supplements alone. But it seems to me that I recall reading about starvation in Final Exit and, although I remember nothing specific, I do remember getting the surprising impression that starvation, when one's body is on it's way out, is not rigorous and is usually also combined voluntarily in its final stages with dehydration from the refusal to take liquids. Not being interested in eating anymore maybe goes hand in hand with one's body not really being interested in getting up again.
Thursday, June 28, 2001
To Be or Not to Be - To LTF
While yesterday began pleasantly enough it ended excruciatingly, not because of anything in particular; because of me. When I returned home I did not trust myself to talk so I fed my mother, petted The Girls, let them sniff me for dog and went to bed. Revived, I headed out this morning and before 1400 I was home realizing I needed to sit back and breathe deep for awhile. So I've been spending the afternoon isolated in the back marking areas for path clearing and thinking about one thing in particular: Trying to determine how much harm I'm doing my mother from both a personal and a business standpoint and balancing this against the good I'm doing her.
Over the last few days I've taken a different course of action with her. I'm not badgering her anymore about going here or there with me or even going someplace she might enjoy. I ask her once, accept her "no" and go on about the day. This is very, very, very hard for me to do. It is especially hard when she is awake to keep myself from slipping into 'entertainment' mode. When we had our I'm Going to Force the Issue talk I asked her how she visualized our life together when she decided to ask me to live with her. She said she imagined us "doing things together." She elaborated on this by mentioning all the things we did do together for several years. Then she started listing all the things I've been trying to get her to do for the last year or so that she simply has refused to do. I didn't have the heart to respond that she is refusing "on the spot" to do all the things she thinks she wants us to do together "in the future".
It is just as hard to macro-manage my mother as it was to micro-manage her.
It has occurred to me that determination isn't what's needed here, decision is, the decision to do one thing or another and that's that rather than wondering which would be 'best'. But I haven't found myself comfortable with this strategy yet. I keep thinking that some episode or event will occur that will illuminate one or the other action beyond a doubt.
I don't know, LTF. All I really want to figure out is whether she and all aspects of her life would be better off with or without me. I'm not afraid of coming to the conclusion that she is better off without me. I'm not afraid of realizing that she is better off with me. I'm afraid, really, of my continued stumbling around in this oblivion of confusion. I'm afraid of what it's doing to my mother and to me.
Over the last few days I've taken a different course of action with her. I'm not badgering her anymore about going here or there with me or even going someplace she might enjoy. I ask her once, accept her "no" and go on about the day. This is very, very, very hard for me to do. It is especially hard when she is awake to keep myself from slipping into 'entertainment' mode. When we had our I'm Going to Force the Issue talk I asked her how she visualized our life together when she decided to ask me to live with her. She said she imagined us "doing things together." She elaborated on this by mentioning all the things we did do together for several years. Then she started listing all the things I've been trying to get her to do for the last year or so that she simply has refused to do. I didn't have the heart to respond that she is refusing "on the spot" to do all the things she thinks she wants us to do together "in the future".
It is just as hard to macro-manage my mother as it was to micro-manage her.
It has occurred to me that determination isn't what's needed here, decision is, the decision to do one thing or another and that's that rather than wondering which would be 'best'. But I haven't found myself comfortable with this strategy yet. I keep thinking that some episode or event will occur that will illuminate one or the other action beyond a doubt.
I don't know, LTF. All I really want to figure out is whether she and all aspects of her life would be better off with or without me. I'm not afraid of coming to the conclusion that she is better off without me. I'm not afraid of realizing that she is better off with me. I'm afraid, really, of my continued stumbling around in this oblivion of confusion. I'm afraid of what it's doing to my mother and to me.
Going to the Movies Again - To LTF
Time is going so slow that I thought today was going to be yesterday, and now I owe a late fee on Unbreakable. Mom was not interested in watching it again. She hasn't liked any of Shyamalan's movies so far and I understand why.
She surprised me by liking My Dinner with Andre so much that we watched it twice. That was a treat. She hated A Woman Under the Influence.
She surprised me by liking My Dinner with Andre so much that we watched it twice. That was a treat. She hated A Woman Under the Influence.
Tuesday, June 26, 2001
One last non-lesson... - To LTF
...absolutely no advice on your reservations about the possibility of becoming your father's caretaker someday and the clash of your natures. Just empathy. I know what you mean. Damn.
The awful thing for me is that I'm ambivalent about the concept of "working" on relationships, hard or otherwise. It's not that I don't or don't want to. It's that I think it's very easy to place too much emphasis on working (used as a verb, not an adjective) relationships and work one to death. I do not, however, feel that way in regards to my relationship with my mother. But I don't find the work hard, although I do find it unsettlingly consuming. This, however, may be due to an aspect (or two, or eighteen) of my character and not the requirements of the job itself. I'm not sorry I accepted this "job". I'm just sorry that I don't always handle it well.
Hmm, I just happened to think, there is a way I intuitively nurture MCF's father that I started using as a logically chosen 'technique' with no idea whether it would work or not. I picked it up from my experience with my mother. Whenever I see him now I moisturize the skin on his legs and arms and feet and hands with hot towels and massage lotion into them. The only reason I even thought to do this is that after a while of knowing him when he became comfortable with me he also started pushing my buttons. I watch him do this with his daughter all the time and it infuriates me. Anyway, when confronting him directly didn't work (he's a pistol of a man and looks forward to any opportunity to shoot) I decided that touching him might. It does. When I first suggested this he resisted, claiming he didn't want to be sissied and he hated the feel of lotion. His skin, however, was so dry and neglected it was leaving pits where large flakes of skin brushed off. His feet were close to disgusting. So, knowing this would work, I shamed him into "letting" me "treat his skin". When I first started doing it, while I did it I talked about how good this would be for his skin, commented on how hypersensitive and how stiff his feet were, talked about all the acupressure points on the soles of feet that can rejuvenate the whole body if they are stimulated, etc. Anyway, now MCF's father is much less combative with not only me but everyone who is there when I'm visiting. MCF and her husband [He is a big proponent of massage and does it very well but never thought to apply this to getting along with his father-in-law; he, however, was the one who suggested I do this with my mother and I shall be forever grateful to him for the instruction.] have both mentioned it. I've also realized how pleasurable it is for me to gain information about people in this way. I'm presenting this anecdote to illustrate that you, personally, needn't be afraid of conscious 'applied' intuitive nurturing. Sometimes initiating a random activity that will bring you closer to someone opens up an automatic avenue for intuitive nurturing. I'm thinking of this in connection with your dad. If you are ever in a similar situation with him as I am with my mother, consider avoiding the actual issue that is causing a deadlock and just connecting on a completely non-related level. Touching is a really effective tactic (pun intended).
The awful thing for me is that I'm ambivalent about the concept of "working" on relationships, hard or otherwise. It's not that I don't or don't want to. It's that I think it's very easy to place too much emphasis on working (used as a verb, not an adjective) relationships and work one to death. I do not, however, feel that way in regards to my relationship with my mother. But I don't find the work hard, although I do find it unsettlingly consuming. This, however, may be due to an aspect (or two, or eighteen) of my character and not the requirements of the job itself. I'm not sorry I accepted this "job". I'm just sorry that I don't always handle it well.
Hmm, I just happened to think, there is a way I intuitively nurture MCF's father that I started using as a logically chosen 'technique' with no idea whether it would work or not. I picked it up from my experience with my mother. Whenever I see him now I moisturize the skin on his legs and arms and feet and hands with hot towels and massage lotion into them. The only reason I even thought to do this is that after a while of knowing him when he became comfortable with me he also started pushing my buttons. I watch him do this with his daughter all the time and it infuriates me. Anyway, when confronting him directly didn't work (he's a pistol of a man and looks forward to any opportunity to shoot) I decided that touching him might. It does. When I first suggested this he resisted, claiming he didn't want to be sissied and he hated the feel of lotion. His skin, however, was so dry and neglected it was leaving pits where large flakes of skin brushed off. His feet were close to disgusting. So, knowing this would work, I shamed him into "letting" me "treat his skin". When I first started doing it, while I did it I talked about how good this would be for his skin, commented on how hypersensitive and how stiff his feet were, talked about all the acupressure points on the soles of feet that can rejuvenate the whole body if they are stimulated, etc. Anyway, now MCF's father is much less combative with not only me but everyone who is there when I'm visiting. MCF and her husband [He is a big proponent of massage and does it very well but never thought to apply this to getting along with his father-in-law; he, however, was the one who suggested I do this with my mother and I shall be forever grateful to him for the instruction.] have both mentioned it. I've also realized how pleasurable it is for me to gain information about people in this way. I'm presenting this anecdote to illustrate that you, personally, needn't be afraid of conscious 'applied' intuitive nurturing. Sometimes initiating a random activity that will bring you closer to someone opens up an automatic avenue for intuitive nurturing. I'm thinking of this in connection with your dad. If you are ever in a similar situation with him as I am with my mother, consider avoiding the actual issue that is causing a deadlock and just connecting on a completely non-related level. Touching is a really effective tactic (pun intended).
Monday, June 25, 2001
Taking on Another's Life - To LTF
I don't like to think that I'm so fucking grateful to be alive that I'm willing to subsume my life in the life of the person by whose means I am surviving right now. I don't think this is true. But, per your conjecture that there is no boundary between my mother's life and mine, I've always had a talent for extreme introjection. It is the reason, I'm sure, that living alone is so comforting for me. This talent might be unfortunate for me in cases like my being my mother's caretaker (although fortunate for her). You know what I did about 5 days ago? Just out of curiosity, to remember what I was doing to music as I stopped listening to it, I dug out the antenna to the stereo radio and tuned, at random, to some stations to listen to music. It was amazing. I heard the violins (and other instruments and voices) the way I imagine my mother hears them without any work on my part. It was like I was wearing her ears. It scared the shit out of me to realize how powerful one's mind can be. I know my hearing is fine. I know my mind is, well, promiscuous, to say the least. I have to guard against that with most people. Occasionally I find someone who doesn't have that effect on me and that is always a pleasure but it doesn't happen often.
I'm not going to go into detail, but I do "have a life" of my own, dictated by circumstances other than handling my mother's life and being with her, such that I have to remind my mother of it a couple of times a day and it always surprises her. Her constant surprise and need for reminders from me, well, sometimes it's trying. And, that life, of course, has it's unique ups and spectacular downs, as well. My life is about the usual: discovery, relationships, achievement. I'm too self-possessed for that to have changed.
See, part of the problem is, people assume that "introjection" is self-sacrificing/self-denigrating behavior. It isn't (or, at least, it doesn't have to be). It's an information gathering technique and some few of us consciously use it for this reason as well as for the pleasure. It's difficult to explain but highly introjective people are not necessarily suffering from a lack of self-esteem. In fact, for those of us who use this technique excessively, it takes a very high degree of self-possession to keep from losing track of oneself. In order to be self-possessed one must enjoy oneself. I have to admit, my introjective abilities have been tested lately. But it's not the introjection I'm fighting. It's that, not being good at the kind of survival skills with which my mother built her life, I am doubting my ability to actually keep her on her feet. And that is the job to which I agreed.
I'm not going to go into detail, but I do "have a life" of my own, dictated by circumstances other than handling my mother's life and being with her, such that I have to remind my mother of it a couple of times a day and it always surprises her. Her constant surprise and need for reminders from me, well, sometimes it's trying. And, that life, of course, has it's unique ups and spectacular downs, as well. My life is about the usual: discovery, relationships, achievement. I'm too self-possessed for that to have changed.
See, part of the problem is, people assume that "introjection" is self-sacrificing/self-denigrating behavior. It isn't (or, at least, it doesn't have to be). It's an information gathering technique and some few of us consciously use it for this reason as well as for the pleasure. It's difficult to explain but highly introjective people are not necessarily suffering from a lack of self-esteem. In fact, for those of us who use this technique excessively, it takes a very high degree of self-possession to keep from losing track of oneself. In order to be self-possessed one must enjoy oneself. I have to admit, my introjective abilities have been tested lately. But it's not the introjection I'm fighting. It's that, not being good at the kind of survival skills with which my mother built her life, I am doubting my ability to actually keep her on her feet. And that is the job to which I agreed.
