Thursday, June 28, 2001
To Be or Not to Be - To LTF
While yesterday began pleasantly enough it ended excruciatingly, not because of anything in particular; because of me. When I returned home I did not trust myself to talk so I fed my mother, petted The Girls, let them sniff me for dog and went to bed. Revived, I headed out this morning and before 1400 I was home realizing I needed to sit back and breathe deep for awhile. So I've been spending the afternoon isolated in the back marking areas for path clearing and thinking about one thing in particular: Trying to determine how much harm I'm doing my mother from both a personal and a business standpoint and balancing this against the good I'm doing her.
Over the last few days I've taken a different course of action with her. I'm not badgering her anymore about going here or there with me or even going someplace she might enjoy. I ask her once, accept her "no" and go on about the day. This is very, very, very hard for me to do. It is especially hard when she is awake to keep myself from slipping into 'entertainment' mode. When we had our I'm Going to Force the Issue talk I asked her how she visualized our life together when she decided to ask me to live with her. She said she imagined us "doing things together." She elaborated on this by mentioning all the things we did do together for several years. Then she started listing all the things I've been trying to get her to do for the last year or so that she simply has refused to do. I didn't have the heart to respond that she is refusing "on the spot" to do all the things she thinks she wants us to do together "in the future".
It is just as hard to macro-manage my mother as it was to micro-manage her.
It has occurred to me that determination isn't what's needed here, decision is, the decision to do one thing or another and that's that rather than wondering which would be 'best'. But I haven't found myself comfortable with this strategy yet. I keep thinking that some episode or event will occur that will illuminate one or the other action beyond a doubt.
I don't know, LTF. All I really want to figure out is whether she and all aspects of her life would be better off with or without me. I'm not afraid of coming to the conclusion that she is better off without me. I'm not afraid of realizing that she is better off with me. I'm afraid, really, of my continued stumbling around in this oblivion of confusion. I'm afraid of what it's doing to my mother and to me.
Over the last few days I've taken a different course of action with her. I'm not badgering her anymore about going here or there with me or even going someplace she might enjoy. I ask her once, accept her "no" and go on about the day. This is very, very, very hard for me to do. It is especially hard when she is awake to keep myself from slipping into 'entertainment' mode. When we had our I'm Going to Force the Issue talk I asked her how she visualized our life together when she decided to ask me to live with her. She said she imagined us "doing things together." She elaborated on this by mentioning all the things we did do together for several years. Then she started listing all the things I've been trying to get her to do for the last year or so that she simply has refused to do. I didn't have the heart to respond that she is refusing "on the spot" to do all the things she thinks she wants us to do together "in the future".
It is just as hard to macro-manage my mother as it was to micro-manage her.
It has occurred to me that determination isn't what's needed here, decision is, the decision to do one thing or another and that's that rather than wondering which would be 'best'. But I haven't found myself comfortable with this strategy yet. I keep thinking that some episode or event will occur that will illuminate one or the other action beyond a doubt.
I don't know, LTF. All I really want to figure out is whether she and all aspects of her life would be better off with or without me. I'm not afraid of coming to the conclusion that she is better off without me. I'm not afraid of realizing that she is better off with me. I'm afraid, really, of my continued stumbling around in this oblivion of confusion. I'm afraid of what it's doing to my mother and to me.
