Monday, June 25, 2001
Taking on Another's Life - To LTF
I don't like to think that I'm so fucking grateful to be alive that I'm willing to subsume my life in the life of the person by whose means I am surviving right now. I don't think this is true. But, per your conjecture that there is no boundary between my mother's life and mine, I've always had a talent for extreme introjection. It is the reason, I'm sure, that living alone is so comforting for me. This talent might be unfortunate for me in cases like my being my mother's caretaker (although fortunate for her). You know what I did about 5 days ago? Just out of curiosity, to remember what I was doing to music as I stopped listening to it, I dug out the antenna to the stereo radio and tuned, at random, to some stations to listen to music. It was amazing. I heard the violins (and other instruments and voices) the way I imagine my mother hears them without any work on my part. It was like I was wearing her ears. It scared the shit out of me to realize how powerful one's mind can be. I know my hearing is fine. I know my mind is, well, promiscuous, to say the least. I have to guard against that with most people. Occasionally I find someone who doesn't have that effect on me and that is always a pleasure but it doesn't happen often.
I'm not going to go into detail, but I do "have a life" of my own, dictated by circumstances other than handling my mother's life and being with her, such that I have to remind my mother of it a couple of times a day and it always surprises her. Her constant surprise and need for reminders from me, well, sometimes it's trying. And, that life, of course, has it's unique ups and spectacular downs, as well. My life is about the usual: discovery, relationships, achievement. I'm too self-possessed for that to have changed.
See, part of the problem is, people assume that "introjection" is self-sacrificing/self-denigrating behavior. It isn't (or, at least, it doesn't have to be). It's an information gathering technique and some few of us consciously use it for this reason as well as for the pleasure. It's difficult to explain but highly introjective people are not necessarily suffering from a lack of self-esteem. In fact, for those of us who use this technique excessively, it takes a very high degree of self-possession to keep from losing track of oneself. In order to be self-possessed one must enjoy oneself. I have to admit, my introjective abilities have been tested lately. But it's not the introjection I'm fighting. It's that, not being good at the kind of survival skills with which my mother built her life, I am doubting my ability to actually keep her on her feet. And that is the job to which I agreed.
I'm not going to go into detail, but I do "have a life" of my own, dictated by circumstances other than handling my mother's life and being with her, such that I have to remind my mother of it a couple of times a day and it always surprises her. Her constant surprise and need for reminders from me, well, sometimes it's trying. And, that life, of course, has it's unique ups and spectacular downs, as well. My life is about the usual: discovery, relationships, achievement. I'm too self-possessed for that to have changed.
See, part of the problem is, people assume that "introjection" is self-sacrificing/self-denigrating behavior. It isn't (or, at least, it doesn't have to be). It's an information gathering technique and some few of us consciously use it for this reason as well as for the pleasure. It's difficult to explain but highly introjective people are not necessarily suffering from a lack of self-esteem. In fact, for those of us who use this technique excessively, it takes a very high degree of self-possession to keep from losing track of oneself. In order to be self-possessed one must enjoy oneself. I have to admit, my introjective abilities have been tested lately. But it's not the introjection I'm fighting. It's that, not being good at the kind of survival skills with which my mother built her life, I am doubting my ability to actually keep her on her feet. And that is the job to which I agreed.
