Tuesday, June 26, 2001
One last non-lesson... - To LTF
...absolutely no advice on your reservations about the possibility of becoming your father's caretaker someday and the clash of your natures. Just empathy. I know what you mean. Damn.
The awful thing for me is that I'm ambivalent about the concept of "working" on relationships, hard or otherwise. It's not that I don't or don't want to. It's that I think it's very easy to place too much emphasis on working (used as a verb, not an adjective) relationships and work one to death. I do not, however, feel that way in regards to my relationship with my mother. But I don't find the work hard, although I do find it unsettlingly consuming. This, however, may be due to an aspect (or two, or eighteen) of my character and not the requirements of the job itself. I'm not sorry I accepted this "job". I'm just sorry that I don't always handle it well.
Hmm, I just happened to think, there is a way I intuitively nurture MCF's father that I started using as a logically chosen 'technique' with no idea whether it would work or not. I picked it up from my experience with my mother. Whenever I see him now I moisturize the skin on his legs and arms and feet and hands with hot towels and massage lotion into them. The only reason I even thought to do this is that after a while of knowing him when he became comfortable with me he also started pushing my buttons. I watch him do this with his daughter all the time and it infuriates me. Anyway, when confronting him directly didn't work (he's a pistol of a man and looks forward to any opportunity to shoot) I decided that touching him might. It does. When I first suggested this he resisted, claiming he didn't want to be sissied and he hated the feel of lotion. His skin, however, was so dry and neglected it was leaving pits where large flakes of skin brushed off. His feet were close to disgusting. So, knowing this would work, I shamed him into "letting" me "treat his skin". When I first started doing it, while I did it I talked about how good this would be for his skin, commented on how hypersensitive and how stiff his feet were, talked about all the acupressure points on the soles of feet that can rejuvenate the whole body if they are stimulated, etc. Anyway, now MCF's father is much less combative with not only me but everyone who is there when I'm visiting. MCF and her husband [He is a big proponent of massage and does it very well but never thought to apply this to getting along with his father-in-law; he, however, was the one who suggested I do this with my mother and I shall be forever grateful to him for the instruction.] have both mentioned it. I've also realized how pleasurable it is for me to gain information about people in this way. I'm presenting this anecdote to illustrate that you, personally, needn't be afraid of conscious 'applied' intuitive nurturing. Sometimes initiating a random activity that will bring you closer to someone opens up an automatic avenue for intuitive nurturing. I'm thinking of this in connection with your dad. If you are ever in a similar situation with him as I am with my mother, consider avoiding the actual issue that is causing a deadlock and just connecting on a completely non-related level. Touching is a really effective tactic (pun intended).
The awful thing for me is that I'm ambivalent about the concept of "working" on relationships, hard or otherwise. It's not that I don't or don't want to. It's that I think it's very easy to place too much emphasis on working (used as a verb, not an adjective) relationships and work one to death. I do not, however, feel that way in regards to my relationship with my mother. But I don't find the work hard, although I do find it unsettlingly consuming. This, however, may be due to an aspect (or two, or eighteen) of my character and not the requirements of the job itself. I'm not sorry I accepted this "job". I'm just sorry that I don't always handle it well.
Hmm, I just happened to think, there is a way I intuitively nurture MCF's father that I started using as a logically chosen 'technique' with no idea whether it would work or not. I picked it up from my experience with my mother. Whenever I see him now I moisturize the skin on his legs and arms and feet and hands with hot towels and massage lotion into them. The only reason I even thought to do this is that after a while of knowing him when he became comfortable with me he also started pushing my buttons. I watch him do this with his daughter all the time and it infuriates me. Anyway, when confronting him directly didn't work (he's a pistol of a man and looks forward to any opportunity to shoot) I decided that touching him might. It does. When I first suggested this he resisted, claiming he didn't want to be sissied and he hated the feel of lotion. His skin, however, was so dry and neglected it was leaving pits where large flakes of skin brushed off. His feet were close to disgusting. So, knowing this would work, I shamed him into "letting" me "treat his skin". When I first started doing it, while I did it I talked about how good this would be for his skin, commented on how hypersensitive and how stiff his feet were, talked about all the acupressure points on the soles of feet that can rejuvenate the whole body if they are stimulated, etc. Anyway, now MCF's father is much less combative with not only me but everyone who is there when I'm visiting. MCF and her husband [He is a big proponent of massage and does it very well but never thought to apply this to getting along with his father-in-law; he, however, was the one who suggested I do this with my mother and I shall be forever grateful to him for the instruction.] have both mentioned it. I've also realized how pleasurable it is for me to gain information about people in this way. I'm presenting this anecdote to illustrate that you, personally, needn't be afraid of conscious 'applied' intuitive nurturing. Sometimes initiating a random activity that will bring you closer to someone opens up an automatic avenue for intuitive nurturing. I'm thinking of this in connection with your dad. If you are ever in a similar situation with him as I am with my mother, consider avoiding the actual issue that is causing a deadlock and just connecting on a completely non-related level. Touching is a really effective tactic (pun intended).
