Mom & Me Journals Histories: 1999 - 2001

    First of all, let me embarrass you by telling you how much talking to you meant to me, today. I feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Before we talked I really didn't see any way out. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being, hmmm, let's see, for being, how about...you!
    I know that MPS's and MCS's families are going to be a bit surprised so I agree that it is important to have a list. This, below, is just a beginning. The truth is, I'm a little muddle headed, right now. I'm still sort of reeling in the emotional bath I took on the phone with you this afternoon. But thought is nothing without action (actually, I don't believe this all the time but it sounds good and it certainly applies in this instance).
    Immediately, of course, I need everyone to know exactly what I'm dealing with, here. I need everyone to understand in their bones and agree that allowing Mom to remain in her own home with a family member as long as possible is very important and is probably what is keeping her alive, even if quite a bit of that life is spent in Dream Land. So what I need to do is compose a part of the "advance directive" prior to the tele-conference to get this across. I know everyone gives lip service to this but I don't think anyone has given it much thought. In order for me to do a good job I need to know that everyone understands why they agree (or disagree) that I am at the right place at the right time.
    Second, I need everyone to know how difficult it is for me to call on them for help and that they need to be checking on us, too. I mean really checking on me, not just calling to say "Hello" and get a Christmas newsletter version of what's going on. I need everyone to realize that when they don't hear from me for awhile it might be a good idea to find out why.
    Third, it's important that everyone know that I am already under water. This isn't a case of "when Gail loses control", this is a case of "Gail has lost control".
    Right off the bat I can absolutely see that some of Mom's business needs to be delegated such as:

1. Working with MFA to keep track of Mom's stocks and making sure that what is being done is in her best interests. We're living on that money now, along with her pension. Someone needs to keep on top of that.
2. When extraordinary circumstances come up as far as her taxes are concerned someone needs to be available to work with MA. Someone who isn't resistant to understanding her tax profile needs to keep themselves up-to-date with that.
3. I need to work with someone in the family to get her files in order, see what she has, see what needs to be kept and what needs to be thrown away. Actually, I know that there are lots of things regarding her stocks that absolutely cannot ever be thrown away. I found that out this year when I had to retrieve a cancelled check from 1968. So all the cancelled checks she's kept for all these years need to be gone through and a system needs to be set up to deal with all this stuff. It is probably best that this stuff be kept in one of her residences. I think it is also important that I not be the only one aware of this stuff.
4. Although this needs to be communicated in a much more diplomatic way than I am about to communicate it, family members are going to have to grit their teeth, face down their fears and their demons and keep in physical touch despite her smoking. I can sympathize with everyone's personal health and aesthetic reasons and I'm not exactly sure how to address this so no one is hurt by her smoking. I want to see this happen because if the family can't get over this I get left by the wayside and start slipping and, for that matter, so does Mom. I know that it would be so easy to just say, "Hey, get a nurse to take care of her if you need some time off, Gail." But, you know what, the truth is, unless she needs medical care, that option is unacceptable to her, to me, and it should be to the rest of the family. When I need time off I'm sure what I'd do is just get away for a couple of days in the winter in Prescott. I'm sure it won't happen often. There may be a time when Mom will need a babysitter of sorts when I go out to the store or run errands. That is something that can probably be taken care of with outside help. But I won't leave Mom for any length of time with a stranger. That should be unacceptable with everyone else, too.
5. I think, as time goes on, the bill paying can pretty much stay here. However, there are some bills I may need to redirect to you for awhile until Mom stops insisting on "seeing the bills" and "seeing the mail".
6. I think I can handle getting her to a lawyer and updating her trust. I'll need someone else in the family to be very aware of the results and review it once every year or so just to make sure nothing is slipping through the cracks. That will mean, of course, checking with MFA and with me to see what's been purchased that might need to go in the trust, what's been sold, whether everything is still up to date, etc.
7. Everyone needs to be aware of her financial situation, in detail. It's not that great right now because of stocks, which is not unusual. But the idea that she's a millionaire and can buy anything she wants anytime and that we can throw money at problems has to be demolished as well. We're tightening our belts just like everyone else. In fact, we're breathing pretty shallow. Somehow the impression exists that I am living in the lap of luxury here because Mom "doesn't have to worry". Well, that's not true. It has never been true. I had to learn this when I first came to live with her. I know it now. Everyone else needs to know this.
8. There needs to be an agreement that when something comes up like, for instance, this insurance debacle thing, and I need help, that means I need direct help, now.
9. I do occasionally need to be relieved. Not much, but just enough to catch my breath. I think, as well, it is important for everyone to understand exactly what it's like to lose oneself in someone who is losing herself (and control of her bladder). Spending a few days taking care of Mom a year is an excellent way for everyone to get an idea of what that's like.
10. The houses both need to be gone through and checked out really well for repairs and this has to be continued on a regular basis first by someone in the family who is knowlegeable about these things, not first by a contractor. Once repairs are decided on and a clear idea of what, each year, is available to be spent on repairs and which are best to be taken care of at what time, I need someone to stand by me as I start interviewing contractors and determining who's the best to hire, until I get the hang of it, or, maybe, each time hiring a contractor is necessary.
11. In fact, when any type of major financial thing comes up (like, for instance, the one that is up, now, but will not be able to be taken care of for awhile because of the stock situation: consolidating two cars into one) I need help on it.
12. Probably most important of all, MFS, you can't take on stuff all by yourself. You need to be one of three. That's very important. My feeling is that the most valuable thing to come out of this conferencing will be for people to realize that this isn't a news conference about how Mom and Gail are doing, nor is it a critique on how Gail is failing and what Gail needs to do in order to remedy the situation, but the beginning of a concerted, four way effort to see to it that Mom's life stays on track.

    The more I think about the possibility of being able to rely on a few other people to make sure her business is going okay, the better I feel and the more I feel I am willing to tackle. But, you know, I can't be left alone with all this stuff for too much longer without completely losing my mind. It's one thing to be a comfortable companion to someone who is taking their final journey. I seem to be peculiarly suited to that. It's quite another to, as well, handle the complexities of that person's business. I am not peculiarly suited to that. We have lots of people in this family with a variety of talents. There is also no one in this family who does not have some empathy for the situation and for realizing that, while it may seem convenient to have Mom handled by "hire outs" when I need to get away or when her business overwhelms me, considering the resources in our family it is not only unnecessary, it would be a travesty for this to happen. I can't see that any of this won't enrich everyone's lives, as well as Mom's.
    So, MFS, I know this is just the beginning. I know there are many more things than I can think of right now that belong on the list. Feel free to add, subtract, whatever. We should be able to start setting up our first tele-conference within a month or so; maybe get out an advance directive within a couple of weeks.
    Damn, I feel better. I am very lucky, MFS, that you and I are sisters.