Saturday, October 27, 2001
Explaining My Life to Someone New - To MLDL
This is what I do right now and, as it turns out, how I survive. In December, 1993, I moved back to Arizona from Seattle because my mother, who is now 84, asked me if I would consider living with her because she didn't feel secure living alone anymore (my father died when they were both 68). I was shocked that she asked me. Considering the serendipitous life I've lived (and, as it turns out, still live) and the fact that my life certainly wouldn't be used as the poster child for stability or anything else people are supposed to have accomplished by the time they are in their early 40s, I couldn't believe that she would prefer me to live with her to her moving in with one of my sisters and their families, since they all have much more stable, conservative lives, husbands, kids, etc. But I was honored that she asked me and accepted because my mother is an amazing person and the one circumstance all her daughters wants to prevent is for her to be alienated from family or have to leave her own carefully sculpted circumstances. So I accepted. With great humility.
For the first two years I continued to work full time outside the home. Then I began noticing that when I was at work she would sleep. She was sleeping at night then sleeping away the day instead of living the business and pleasures of her life. It occurred to me that it was time for me not only to "be there", but to become her companion. This occurred to her as well. For awhile I worked part time outside the home and I owned and ran my own brochure business from our home. As it became necessary I stopped being an employee so I could be with her and accompany her through her life so she wouldn't sleep through it. My mother is now quite dependent on me although I am still able to leave her alone for sometimes hours at a time without concern. Her memory is becoming quite creative. She is not suffering from Alzheimer's but the dementia that sometimes accompanies old age. She is no longer capable, for instance, of paying her bills, keeping up with her stocks, remembering to take medication as she needs it (most of the time she doesn't). She often forgets to eat, forgets to brush her teeth, etc. Essentially I run her entire life now, and a complicated life it is. It has been an adventure for me because her life business is complicated compared to what I've been used to. I have always, on purpose, kept my life business extraordinarily simple.
The payoff of what I am doing is that my mother remains comfortable in excellent spirits and health, bright, although as I mentioned, mentally creative and becoming more creative every day, and she remains herself with her will and her character intact and aging gracefully. Although I had no idea what I was getting into when I told her I would do this, this is without a doubt the most amazing (and difficult) thing I've ever done. Old age is a grand and astonishing journey and I consider myself privileged to be able to study it intensely in a way mostother people don't.
As well, of course I am surviving through her, I keep my hand in the business world on my own behalf by doing freelance editing, fixing people's computers, tutoring in computer related subjects. The money is negligible although it doesn't hurt but I do it primarily to keep my hand in the community. I have a large and growing, changing network of personal community in both our summer and winter home areas and often go back and forth on my own to keep up and honor those contacts. Essentially, I usher my mother through her life as well as live my own. Sometimes these cannot be done simultaneously. However, I am stubborn enough about my own existence so that I insist on it. At this stage my mother doesn't need sitters when I'm gone. She may at some point. But making arrangements for long term relief is a tricky business and has to be planned ahead. There may come a time when she will need to be cared for in a senior facility of some sort simply because her care may, as the care of some elderly people does, require a much more professional level of care than I will be capable of providing. But my mother, because of the peculiarities of her character and her life, is not a good candidate for the intermediate levels of professional care (i.e., assisted living facilities) of which many people in her stage of life take advantage. It is better for her and for her life that she be allowed to remain in her own homes among family for as long as possible. I'm the person in our family who is allowing that to happen.
One of my other sisters is prepared to take her into her home in the event that my life requires more freedom but, at this point, my freedom and "my" life are not being infringed upon in any way, any more than survival infringed upon my life when I was wandering the world on my own. My love life, which, as you know, is important to me, has not suffered. I've gained and lost friends along the way but none of this has to do with my mother. I have continued to pursue my interests. In fact in this situation, now that I'm not someone else's employee, I have more time to pursue some of them. That is an unexpected perk. I didn't think about this when I accepted this role. And, yes, my mother knows of all my interests, including that I write pornography and have a pornographic web site. Although she refuses to read it isn't even interested, she brags about it among family and friends. She and I have always had (I don't know why, actually) an extremely frank and above board relationship. Although she is close with all her daughters and doesn't prefer any over any others I am the only daughter who has never been afraid to blurt anything out to her, to discuss anything with her, to approach her about anything at all. Somehow I think this may be why she instinctively thought of me when she decided she needed company. I am also the only person in my born-into family who got to know and form strong, unambiguous and unambivalent relationships with everyone else including my father, who was an amazing man in his own right and a difficult man to whom to relate. I have no idea how or why I was able to do this, especially since I've spent so much of my life as what would probably be called a vagabond. But, I was. So I am the right person to be doing this for her and with her.
If you're wondering, I have no idea what I will do when she dies but I don't worry about that. I have, as I mentioned before, never worried about the future. It is beyond me to prepare for the future. When she dies I will continue on down the road as I have. That quality in me, too, is probably one of the reasons why this works so well for both of us. I am not chafing against any life I lost in doing this. I didn't lose any of my life or leave anything behind. I just continued on. She, as well, is not chafing against any life she lost by having to move in with one of her other daughters. She is able to keep her own life and so am I. It is an unusual "elder care" situation; unusual for both the elder and the caregiver. I can tell you though, the level of intensity of this situation is not something I'd repeat. I would not, for instance, when she dies, parlay all this experience into professional elder caretaking; not because I don't like what I'm doing but because, at this level, it bears no relation at all to any profession in the field of elder care. There is no way that it could. It is a unique situation.
So when my life seems oddly unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming to you this is why. It is unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming. Being my mother's companion and manager, if you will, is not the only part that is unscheduled and overwhelming. I manage, without much effort, to keep my own life just as unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming as I did before I came to do this.
Previous to doing this my life was a manageable (for me) amalgam of plying so many different skills to stay alive that, as you and I continue on our own journey don't be surprised if, on one day I say, "when I was a teacher", and then the next, "when I was an administrative assistant", and then the next, "when I was a musician", and then the next, "when I was a journalist", and then the next, "when I owned my own business", and then the next, "when I was an office manager", and then the next, well, you get the idea. It hasn't been that I've been trying to find the right career. It has been that my life is the right career and I have always pursued it in this way.
For the first two years I continued to work full time outside the home. Then I began noticing that when I was at work she would sleep. She was sleeping at night then sleeping away the day instead of living the business and pleasures of her life. It occurred to me that it was time for me not only to "be there", but to become her companion. This occurred to her as well. For awhile I worked part time outside the home and I owned and ran my own brochure business from our home. As it became necessary I stopped being an employee so I could be with her and accompany her through her life so she wouldn't sleep through it. My mother is now quite dependent on me although I am still able to leave her alone for sometimes hours at a time without concern. Her memory is becoming quite creative. She is not suffering from Alzheimer's but the dementia that sometimes accompanies old age. She is no longer capable, for instance, of paying her bills, keeping up with her stocks, remembering to take medication as she needs it (most of the time she doesn't). She often forgets to eat, forgets to brush her teeth, etc. Essentially I run her entire life now, and a complicated life it is. It has been an adventure for me because her life business is complicated compared to what I've been used to. I have always, on purpose, kept my life business extraordinarily simple.
The payoff of what I am doing is that my mother remains comfortable in excellent spirits and health, bright, although as I mentioned, mentally creative and becoming more creative every day, and she remains herself with her will and her character intact and aging gracefully. Although I had no idea what I was getting into when I told her I would do this, this is without a doubt the most amazing (and difficult) thing I've ever done. Old age is a grand and astonishing journey and I consider myself privileged to be able to study it intensely in a way mostother people don't.
As well, of course I am surviving through her, I keep my hand in the business world on my own behalf by doing freelance editing, fixing people's computers, tutoring in computer related subjects. The money is negligible although it doesn't hurt but I do it primarily to keep my hand in the community. I have a large and growing, changing network of personal community in both our summer and winter home areas and often go back and forth on my own to keep up and honor those contacts. Essentially, I usher my mother through her life as well as live my own. Sometimes these cannot be done simultaneously. However, I am stubborn enough about my own existence so that I insist on it. At this stage my mother doesn't need sitters when I'm gone. She may at some point. But making arrangements for long term relief is a tricky business and has to be planned ahead. There may come a time when she will need to be cared for in a senior facility of some sort simply because her care may, as the care of some elderly people does, require a much more professional level of care than I will be capable of providing. But my mother, because of the peculiarities of her character and her life, is not a good candidate for the intermediate levels of professional care (i.e., assisted living facilities) of which many people in her stage of life take advantage. It is better for her and for her life that she be allowed to remain in her own homes among family for as long as possible. I'm the person in our family who is allowing that to happen.
One of my other sisters is prepared to take her into her home in the event that my life requires more freedom but, at this point, my freedom and "my" life are not being infringed upon in any way, any more than survival infringed upon my life when I was wandering the world on my own. My love life, which, as you know, is important to me, has not suffered. I've gained and lost friends along the way but none of this has to do with my mother. I have continued to pursue my interests. In fact in this situation, now that I'm not someone else's employee, I have more time to pursue some of them. That is an unexpected perk. I didn't think about this when I accepted this role. And, yes, my mother knows of all my interests, including that I write pornography and have a pornographic web site. Although she refuses to read it isn't even interested, she brags about it among family and friends. She and I have always had (I don't know why, actually) an extremely frank and above board relationship. Although she is close with all her daughters and doesn't prefer any over any others I am the only daughter who has never been afraid to blurt anything out to her, to discuss anything with her, to approach her about anything at all. Somehow I think this may be why she instinctively thought of me when she decided she needed company. I am also the only person in my born-into family who got to know and form strong, unambiguous and unambivalent relationships with everyone else including my father, who was an amazing man in his own right and a difficult man to whom to relate. I have no idea how or why I was able to do this, especially since I've spent so much of my life as what would probably be called a vagabond. But, I was. So I am the right person to be doing this for her and with her.
If you're wondering, I have no idea what I will do when she dies but I don't worry about that. I have, as I mentioned before, never worried about the future. It is beyond me to prepare for the future. When she dies I will continue on down the road as I have. That quality in me, too, is probably one of the reasons why this works so well for both of us. I am not chafing against any life I lost in doing this. I didn't lose any of my life or leave anything behind. I just continued on. She, as well, is not chafing against any life she lost by having to move in with one of her other daughters. She is able to keep her own life and so am I. It is an unusual "elder care" situation; unusual for both the elder and the caregiver. I can tell you though, the level of intensity of this situation is not something I'd repeat. I would not, for instance, when she dies, parlay all this experience into professional elder caretaking; not because I don't like what I'm doing but because, at this level, it bears no relation at all to any profession in the field of elder care. There is no way that it could. It is a unique situation.
So when my life seems oddly unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming to you this is why. It is unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming. Being my mother's companion and manager, if you will, is not the only part that is unscheduled and overwhelming. I manage, without much effort, to keep my own life just as unscheduled and sometimes overwhelming as I did before I came to do this.
Previous to doing this my life was a manageable (for me) amalgam of plying so many different skills to stay alive that, as you and I continue on our own journey don't be surprised if, on one day I say, "when I was a teacher", and then the next, "when I was an administrative assistant", and then the next, "when I was a musician", and then the next, "when I was a journalist", and then the next, "when I owned my own business", and then the next, "when I was an office manager", and then the next, well, you get the idea. It hasn't been that I've been trying to find the right career. It has been that my life is the right career and I have always pursued it in this way.
