Sunday, April 1, 2001
Circle of Mourners - To LTF
When I visited MFA we talked for awhile. I enjoy talking to him although it's very easy for me to lose myself in our conversations and play at seeing the world from a stockbroker's point of view, so he doesn't have a full impression of me. Since we've known each other for awhile, though, we are familiar with some personal details of each other's lives. I knew him before I went to Seattle. At one point in our conversation yesterday MFA leaned across the desk and broached a new topic entitled, "I Know What You're Going Through, I Became My Mother's Caretaker and It Ruined My Marriage".
Although we've never discussed, in more than passing, my role in my mother's life, after he 'sympathized' with me I felt I needed to correct him about the misperceptions that I was somehow resentful for "having to" change my life and that he understand how my attempts to handle her business life, seeing as how she can no longer handle it, finally built up and overwhelmed me. I tried to explain to him that I had purposely, previous to living with my mother, kept my life extremely simple; that my problem was understanding and manipulating the complexity of her life, especially since I have serious qualms with many of the manipulations her life requires. He had a very hard time understanding me especially since I was doing some out-of-control introjection (damn, I'm glad I was reminded of that label and that state, thank you) when I talked to him about the market and my mother's position right now. I do see the complexity for what it is. I even see that it is a much more straightforward complexity than that with which I filter the world. It's easier for me to sound like his arena than it is for him to sound like mine. It is almost impossible for him to imagine that anyone would disagree with the stock market view of the world, the currency view of the world. I think he believes that if they do they don't understand it. He certainly believes that it isn't a matter of "disagreement". I imagine he thinks, "May as well not 'believe' in eating or drinking." But we came to a gentleperson's agreement: He has promised to help me understand that with which I must now deal as I become more and more the business part of my mother.
Although we've never discussed, in more than passing, my role in my mother's life, after he 'sympathized' with me I felt I needed to correct him about the misperceptions that I was somehow resentful for "having to" change my life and that he understand how my attempts to handle her business life, seeing as how she can no longer handle it, finally built up and overwhelmed me. I tried to explain to him that I had purposely, previous to living with my mother, kept my life extremely simple; that my problem was understanding and manipulating the complexity of her life, especially since I have serious qualms with many of the manipulations her life requires. He had a very hard time understanding me especially since I was doing some out-of-control introjection (damn, I'm glad I was reminded of that label and that state, thank you) when I talked to him about the market and my mother's position right now. I do see the complexity for what it is. I even see that it is a much more straightforward complexity than that with which I filter the world. It's easier for me to sound like his arena than it is for him to sound like mine. It is almost impossible for him to imagine that anyone would disagree with the stock market view of the world, the currency view of the world. I think he believes that if they do they don't understand it. He certainly believes that it isn't a matter of "disagreement". I imagine he thinks, "May as well not 'believe' in eating or drinking." But we came to a gentleperson's agreement: He has promised to help me understand that with which I must now deal as I become more and more the business part of my mother.
